Of gods and atheists

An atheist said, “Reality arbitrates…you rely on reality to justify your belief”

This just so highly demonstrates the depths of delusion that some atheists have sunk to. At some point, the rocks, the trees, and the birds in the sky must have sat us all down and taught us the steps to the scientific method. The flowers think and even speak. The keys I lost told me that they were on the table when I was looking for them. Why appeal to unseen authorities like God when we have millions of little inanimate gods among us who become animated enough to guide us to the holiest of holies where the eternal insistence upon independent verification has trapped us in circular logic. But, nevermind the circle. It came from the rocks, and is therefore right. The rocks have arbitrated, and we are their intellectually begotten sons who have only previously gone astray by trading in millions of material gods for a single immaterial one. Let us draw near to the courts of the flowers. Let us behold their beauty and enquire in their halls of justice which of us is right. Neither shall we waste time with our own cognitive abilities unless it be to receive the admonition of the rhododendrons. Sing praises, for we all dwell in the temple of the gods and have found in the shimmering mirrors of all physical phenomena eternal relations capable of joy and suffering just as we and who have graciously summed us up and summed themselves up in a single principle: the practicality of the scientific method.

I wonder if the atheists really hear themselves when they speak or if they’ve been listening to each other for so long they just don’t think about it anymore.

We Shave the Best For Last

“I tried to shave my dog’s neck today.”

“How did that turn out?”

“I discovered it’s a two man job.”

“Hmm… well my dog was sedated when her neck was shaved.”

“What is that all about? Can you just go out and buy sedatives? If so, I’d definitely get some.”

“Oh, no. My dog was having her vocal chords removed.”

“Ok, this is just getting weirder.”

“Well, In Montana, if three people complain about your dog barking, the city will take it away.”

“Ah, I see.”

“But I didn’t go through with it. I stopped the doctor at the last second. He was holding the knife in his hands when I called.”

“*Laugh* So, it was like Abraham and Isaac. ‘No, my son. Stop.’ I bet your dog was relieved.”



“I was just picturing Isaac waking up from sedation. ‘Father, I understand the knife and all, but why is my neck shaved?’”

Ode to Being Normal

Ode to being Normal

Ah, thy perfectly adequate face,
Thy conventional clothing,
In the daylight, they strike one in an unexceptional way.
Thy verbification and vernacular,
The way thy lips maneuver as thou dost impart,
In a crowd, they seem commonplace in this faddish day.
The displacement of thy hips as you traverse,
Thine average gait,
All alone, they resemble everyone else.

I Don’t Need You Guys!

Atheists, Atheists, Atheists. (That was tough to type for some reason) They’re like their own little exclusive club.

“Well, I don’t like the Christian side of things… and I don’t like the other religions, they’re just a bit weird. It’s too bad there’s not a third choice.”

“Wait a minute. Let’s make our own association and not believe anything.”

“Hey, that’s not bad. We could call it Anti-Godists.”

“No no. That’s a bit wordy. Let’s call it Ha-ha-we’ve-got-our-own-thing-now-leave-us-alone-ists.”

“No, that’s wordy too. What about itheists, you know, with a small ‘i’. Kind of like ipod. It’s catchy ya? …itheists…”


And so it went on till the eventual conversion to Atheists (big “A”). Sounds a bit more legitimate.

But there’s a backfire in this plan. By rejecting God, they put him in the spotlight. They firmly pronounce that they don’t believe in God and give all these reasons. It’s like they have to justify breaking off from the norm. The good thing about it is that it sparks a thought in the hearer. The hearer entertains the eventual thought, “What do I believe?” This question is altogether approved by religion. It’s good to figure out what you believe. And if you don’t know… go find out.

From a different perspective, the curse word “GD” might just get phased out by Atheists and Christians alike. For instance:

Construction workers are building a structure and one of them hits his thumb with a hammer.

Worker A: “Owww! God!#$*@!”

Worker B: “Oh, I’m Atheist. I don’t believe in God.”

Worker A: “Oh… so it’s just *!$%@!?”

Worker B: “Right… we’re trying to get rid of God and you’re not helping.”

Worker A: “Well, that just doesn’t properly communicate what I’m feeling.”

Worker C: “Yes… and while we’re at it, I’m a Christian and don’t like the use of that word either.”

Worker A: Uh, I thought the founding fathers came here to get away from oppression.”

Worker D: (mockingly) “ Ooooh. Help! Help! I’m being repressed.”

Worker A: “That’s Oppressed you idiot”

Worker D: “Ah… same difference.”

If Women Ruled the World

What if women could take a pill that would make them pregnant? And what if they could choose which gender their child becomes? Men could quite possibly be phased out and women would rule the world. Who’d bring the bacon… or wear the pants?

Things to consider: The inevitable extinction of classic rock, less noise around the house, etc.

May cause heart reversal, navel discharge, skin failure, full body shrinkage, reincarnation, spontaneous combustion, planned combustion, male pregnancy, post-modern apathy, black plague, deja vu, alien abduction, prenatal baldness, dry mouth, dry blood, loss of all emotion and assimilation into the hive mind, addiction, bad hair days, severe addiction, deja vu, lumbago, Saint Vitus dance, oily discharge, fecal complexion, fear of clowns, molting or shedding of exoskeleton, Presbyterianism, inability to use spoons, mystic enlightenment, funk, devil’s haircut, stink fist, electric head, x-ray vision and super strength, demagoguery, piano legs, change in complexion, change in ethnicity, Russian accent, deja vu, entropy, tin ear, comical Jesse Helms like jowls, Siamese twins, Vietnam War flashbacks, loss of balance, the munchies, crab lice, explosive diarrhea, explosive (literally) diarrhea, evil eye and tendency to become verklempt (look it up).