The “New” Insane

loony-straitjacket

I wonder what’s going on with this classification of Christianity as a disease. I’m pretty sure, with the way they describe it, this also applies to all religions as well. I mean, what are we supposed to say of the ancient man who first started to explain the world? That he was insane? This desire to explain our existence is a natural part of man, and the first man certainly felt it. And even today, if a man had no concept of today’s understanding of science and the natural world, if he were hidden away from the rest of humanity and left to explain things on his own, he would probably come up with the same thing as the ancient man: that God or gods formed the world in some manner. Are we to call this natural state of man crazy, insane, and all other sorts of things? One would have to view the whole history of the world as some kind of insane roller coaster ride that came to its highest peak around the time of Rome when Christ came into the world. Then the Catholic Church came and wrote this insanity into stone and held the world prisoner until the Renaissance. And even then it was just a prelude to a little bit of sanity. Nevermind what our Reformation brothers were doing nearby. They were just holding on to insanity. It wasn’t until the enlightenment when we could really begin to throw off the shackles of craziness and even then it was only a few people who did. And today, the world is still about 80% insane, but we expect this whole religious thing to die off soon.

The non-religious are calling religion a mental deformity, an abnormal state. The ancient and the modern man who do not subscribe to this modern naturalistic science mumbo jumbo are just insane. But the problem here is that, if anything, the modern naturalist is the abnormal one. The ancient and modern man are doing what comes natural. They are holding onto a purpose for the world, and can’t let it go without some modern education into abnormality. Then they can leave their insanity and join the vocal majority who dictate the new “normal.” Yes, let’s call an abnormal state a normal one and insult most every human in history right down to the last man standing who still intuitively sees purpose. That’s the best way to honor our dead relatives, not to mention our mothers who took us to church so that we wouldn’t turn out like blockheads.

We Shave the Best For Last

“I tried to shave my dog’s neck today.”

“How did that turn out?”

“I discovered it’s a two man job.”

“Hmm… well my dog was sedated when her neck was shaved.”

“What is that all about? Can you just go out and buy sedatives? If so, I’d definitely get some.”

“Oh, no. My dog was having her vocal chords removed.”

“Ok, this is just getting weirder.”

“Well, In Montana, if three people complain about your dog barking, the city will take it away.”

“Ah, I see.”

“But I didn’t go through with it. I stopped the doctor at the last second. He was holding the knife in his hands when I called.”

“*Laugh* So, it was like Abraham and Isaac. ‘No, my son. Stop.’ I bet your dog was relieved.”

“*Laugh*”

“What?”

“I was just picturing Isaac waking up from sedation. ‘Father, I understand the knife and all, but why is my neck shaved?’”

Ode to Being Normal

Ode to being Normal

Ah, thy perfectly adequate face,
Thy conventional clothing,
In the daylight, they strike one in an unexceptional way.
Thy verbification and vernacular,
The way thy lips maneuver as thou dost impart,
In a crowd, they seem commonplace in this faddish day.
The displacement of thy hips as you traverse,
Thine average gait,
All alone, they resemble everyone else.

I Don’t Need You Guys!

Atheists, Atheists, Atheists. (That was tough to type for some reason) They’re like their own little exclusive club.

“Well, I don’t like the Christian side of things… and I don’t like the other religions, they’re just a bit weird. It’s too bad there’s not a third choice.”

“Wait a minute. Let’s make our own association and not believe anything.”

“Hey, that’s not bad. We could call it Anti-Godists.”

“No no. That’s a bit wordy. Let’s call it Ha-ha-we’ve-got-our-own-thing-now-leave-us-alone-ists.”

“No, that’s wordy too. What about itheists, you know, with a small ‘i’. Kind of like ipod. It’s catchy ya? …itheists…”

“Ummm…no.”

And so it went on till the eventual conversion to Atheists (big “A”). Sounds a bit more legitimate.

But there’s a backfire in this plan. By rejecting God, they put him in the spotlight. They firmly pronounce that they don’t believe in God and give all these reasons. It’s like they have to justify breaking off from the norm. The good thing about it is that it sparks a thought in the hearer. The hearer entertains the eventual thought, “What do I believe?” This question is altogether approved by religion. It’s good to figure out what you believe. And if you don’t know… go find out.

From a different perspective, the curse word “GD” might just get phased out by Atheists and Christians alike. For instance:

Construction workers are building a structure and one of them hits his thumb with a hammer.

Worker A: “Owww! God!#$*@!”

Worker B: “Oh, I’m Atheist. I don’t believe in God.”

Worker A: “Oh… so it’s just *!$%@!?”

Worker B: “Right… we’re trying to get rid of God and you’re not helping.”

Worker A: “Well, that just doesn’t properly communicate what I’m feeling.”

Worker C: “Yes… and while we’re at it, I’m a Christian and don’t like the use of that word either.”

Worker A: Uh, I thought the founding fathers came here to get away from oppression.”

Worker D: (mockingly) “ Ooooh. Help! Help! I’m being repressed.”

Worker A: “That’s Oppressed you idiot”

Worker D: “Ah… same difference.”

If Women Ruled the World

What if women could take a pill that would make them pregnant? And what if they could choose which gender their child becomes? Men could quite possibly be phased out and women would rule the world. Who’d bring the bacon… or wear the pants?

Things to consider: The inevitable extinction of classic rock, less noise around the house, etc.

May cause heart reversal, navel discharge, skin failure, full body shrinkage, reincarnation, spontaneous combustion, planned combustion, male pregnancy, post-modern apathy, black plague, deja vu, alien abduction, prenatal baldness, dry mouth, dry blood, loss of all emotion and assimilation into the hive mind, addiction, bad hair days, severe addiction, deja vu, lumbago, Saint Vitus dance, oily discharge, fecal complexion, fear of clowns, molting or shedding of exoskeleton, Presbyterianism, inability to use spoons, mystic enlightenment, funk, devil’s haircut, stink fist, electric head, x-ray vision and super strength, demagoguery, piano legs, change in complexion, change in ethnicity, Russian accent, deja vu, entropy, tin ear, comical Jesse Helms like jowls, Siamese twins, Vietnam War flashbacks, loss of balance, the munchies, crab lice, explosive diarrhea, explosive (literally) diarrhea, evil eye and tendency to become verklempt (look it up).

Cool it with the Phones People!

Why is answering the phone so important? People drop whatever they do so they can answer it. People answer their phones in the middle of speeches, on the toilet, while they’re on another phone, in church, in the movie theater, while they’re eating dinner, in the middle of a conversation (with an actual living person in front of them), and the list goes on. Nowhere is this blatant disregard for dealing with what’s in front of you more annoying than in the store. I’ll walk into a store and try to get the clerk’s attention but he is busy answering the phone. (And don’t those phone conversations seem to last forever?) Nevermind that the line at his register is 10 people long.

 

The phone rang in my house yesterday and even though I was eating dinner I instinctively went to get it. Ah, but fate threw a twist in my plans. The phone was not on the receiver. I put a valiant effort into finding it, i.e. scanning the room quickly after which I proclaimed the phone would not be answered. My wife about had a panic attack, so I continued the search. Finally, the phone stopped ringing and we went back to eating.

 I’m a firm believer in not answering the phone. Most of the time, nothing on the phone is more important then what I’m doing at the time even if I’m watching Phineas and Ferb. People, if you call my phone, you can…. oh… wait, the phones ringing.