We Shave the Best For Last

“I tried to shave my dog’s neck today.”

“How did that turn out?”

“I discovered it’s a two man job.”

“Hmm… well my dog was sedated when her neck was shaved.”

“What is that all about? Can you just go out and buy sedatives? If so, I’d definitely get some.”

“Oh, no. My dog was having her vocal chords removed.”

“Ok, this is just getting weirder.”

“Well, In Montana, if three people complain about your dog barking, the city will take it away.”

“Ah, I see.”

“But I didn’t go through with it. I stopped the doctor at the last second. He was holding the knife in his hands when I called.”

“*Laugh* So, it was like Abraham and Isaac. ‘No, my son. Stop.’ I bet your dog was relieved.”

“*Laugh*”

“What?”

“I was just picturing Isaac waking up from sedation. ‘Father, I understand the knife and all, but why is my neck shaved?’”

I Don’t Need You Guys!

Atheists, Atheists, Atheists. (That was tough to type for some reason) They’re like their own little exclusive club.

“Well, I don’t like the Christian side of things… and I don’t like the other religions, they’re just a bit weird. It’s too bad there’s not a third choice.”

“Wait a minute. Let’s make our own association and not believe anything.”

“Hey, that’s not bad. We could call it Anti-Godists.”

“No no. That’s a bit wordy. Let’s call it Ha-ha-we’ve-got-our-own-thing-now-leave-us-alone-ists.”

“No, that’s wordy too. What about itheists, you know, with a small ‘i’. Kind of like ipod. It’s catchy ya? …itheists…”

“Ummm…no.”

And so it went on till the eventual conversion to Atheists (big “A”). Sounds a bit more legitimate.

But there’s a backfire in this plan. By rejecting God, they put him in the spotlight. They firmly pronounce that they don’t believe in God and give all these reasons. It’s like they have to justify breaking off from the norm. The good thing about it is that it sparks a thought in the hearer. The hearer entertains the eventual thought, “What do I believe?” This question is altogether approved by religion. It’s good to figure out what you believe. And if you don’t know… go find out.

From a different perspective, the curse word “GD” might just get phased out by Atheists and Christians alike. For instance:

Construction workers are building a structure and one of them hits his thumb with a hammer.

Worker A: “Owww! God!#$*@!”

Worker B: “Oh, I’m Atheist. I don’t believe in God.”

Worker A: “Oh… so it’s just *!$%@!?”

Worker B: “Right… we’re trying to get rid of God and you’re not helping.”

Worker A: “Well, that just doesn’t properly communicate what I’m feeling.”

Worker C: “Yes… and while we’re at it, I’m a Christian and don’t like the use of that word either.”

Worker A: Uh, I thought the founding fathers came here to get away from oppression.”

Worker D: (mockingly) “ Ooooh. Help! Help! I’m being repressed.”

Worker A: “That’s Oppressed you idiot”

Worker D: “Ah… same difference.”

A Recent Conversation

 “So, what about all these end of the world movies?”

 “Ya, I know. It’s a hot topic nowadays. I wonder why.”

 “My pastor says the world is going to end before 2018. I don’t like it when people put dates on this stuff… makes them look like a quack. You know, there was book called 88 reasons God is coming back in 1988. That didn’t pan out well. The next year there was another book called 89 reasons God is coming back in 1989. I wonder if the author just ported over most of the previous reasons for the new book. Stupid huh?”

 “I think the end of the world is popular because the Mayan calendar only goes up to 2012. Hence the movie.”

 “Let’s see… there is 2012, I Am Legend, all the zombie movies… what else?”

 “The Day After Tomorrow.”

 “Ya, that was a good one. The reason my pastor says the world will end on 2018 is because there is something in the Bible about God coming back within one generation of Israel becoming a nation. And a generation in the Bible is 70 years… supposedly.”

 “I like Nostradamus. He had some interesting predictions. He said something about World War II: flying machines with pig faces. Pretty accurate.”

 “Ya well… not all of his predictions came true. If he’s not 100% accurate then he’s no good.”

 “No one can be 100% accurate.”

 “True.”

 “Do you believe the Bible to be 100% accurate?”

 “Yes. I do.”

 “It was written by men you know. Jesus didn’t write it. It can’t be 100% accurate.”

 At this I rolled my eyes. “Not another Bible error conversation.” I thought.

 “What’s wrong?”

 *sigh* “It’s just I’ve had too many of these conversations and I’m tired of them. I know what I believe and why I believe it. I don’t need another person telling me how inaccurate the Bible is.”

 “Well, I look at things differently than most people.”

 “I’m sure you do.”

 Post Script:

 I really don’t need men to show me whether the whole Bible is accurate or not. Only a few verses need to be accurate. The ones where God says he has preserved his word. If those verses are good then the rest of the Bible is good.